I Went on 33 First Dates in 5 Months. The Actual Transformation Was Me

[ad_1] I used to be 62 after I started relationship once more—41 years after my final first date.

My husband, Steve, and I met in graduate college and had been married for 32 years. We constructed a partnership grounded in love, mutual respect and a life formed by shared experiences and devotion. In 2020, after years of navigating his most cancers journey collectively, Steve handed away.

Earlier than he died, Steve made me promise I might create one other chapter in my life. On the time, I couldn’t think about what that may seem like. Months later, I started to grasp how profound that promise was—and what it could require of me. I knew I needed to maintain it, as a love letter to the life we constructed and to the girl I used to be turning into.

<img id="11473253" alt="" caption="Jayne Brodie sailing with her late husband, Steve." credit="Courtesy Jayne Brodie" sourcealt="" sources="[]" fetchpriority="auto" loading="lazy" width="3024" height="4032" decoding="async" data-nimg="1" src="color:transparent;aspect-ratio:inherit;object-fit:cover" sizes="(min-width: 1200px) 1536px, (min-width: 768px) 768px, 100vw" srcset="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=640&quality=80&webp=1 640w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=750&quality=80&webp=1 750w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=1000&quality=80&webp=1 1000w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=1200&quality=80&webp=1 1200w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=1360&quality=80&webp=1 1360w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1 1600w" bad-src="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-and-Steve-sailing.jpg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1"/> Relationship once more wasn’t about discovering love. It was about defining and creating the following chapter of my life—and turning into the form of accomplice I needed to be.

Within the yr that adopted Steve’s demise, I bought a enterprise, began rising a brand new one, deepened friendships, found a love for mountaineering, and spent lengthy stretches alone. My id had by no means been solely my marriage—I had all the time had my very own profession and friendships—but being in partnership for therefore lengthy formed how I moved by way of the world. I had by no means lived as a “occasion of 1.” These years alone each challenged and allowed me to outline who I used to be as a person.

Throughout that point, I spent a number of months at my trip residence on the Huge Island of Hawai‘i. Proof of volcanic eruptions is in all places—hardened lava, black rock and new development rising slowly from the earth. What seems like destruction finally turns into renewal. I noticed highly effective parallels between that panorama and grief: Each are formed by forces past our management, and each maintain the potential of what can emerge with time.

<img id="11473258" alt="" caption="Brodie is an entrepreneur in California." credit="Courtesy Jayne Brodie" sourcealt="" sources="[]" fetchpriority="auto" loading="lazy" width="1570" height="2048" decoding="async" data-nimg="1" src="color:transparent;aspect-ratio:inherit;object-fit:cover" sizes="(min-width: 1200px) 1570px, (min-width: 768px) 785px, 100vw" srcset="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=640&quality=80&webp=1 640w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=750&quality=80&webp=1 750w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=1000&quality=80&webp=1 1000w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=1200&quality=80&webp=1 1200w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=1360&quality=80&webp=1 1360w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1 1600w" bad-src="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpeg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1"/> After the fifth anniversary of Steve’s passing, I felt prepared for partnership once more—and equally importantly, I knew I may very well be a terrific accomplice.

Learn Extra My Flip

That’s the half individuals typically skip. We discuss “placing your self again on the market” as if it’s nearly bravery. However the deeper work isn’t returning to relationship. It’s turning into clear about who you might be, what issues to you and how much relationship you’re really constructing towards.

As an entrepreneur—and sure, a Virgo—I approached relationship with construction. I studied the platforms, wrote a profile centered on transparency and searchability, selected pictures that mirrored my actual life, and created a spreadsheet to trace conversations and patterns.

First goal: create a certified pipeline. Solely then might I consider connections extra subjectively. What we predict we would like is idea. What we be taught by way of expertise is fact.

Over the following 5 months, I went on 32 first dates.

These weren’t random dates. I had a system: textual content first, then a cellphone name, then an in-person assembly. Espresso grew to become my go-to—an outlined timeline and a simple exit if wanted.

Some individuals date casually. Some for companionship. Some for short-term connection. There’s no judgment in any of it. I solely knew long-term partnership, and that readability formed how I screened and confirmed up.

Nonetheless, relationship apps had been a crash course in actuality.

One man was articulate and humorous in writing and on the cellphone, but extremely awkward in particular person and unable to carry a fundamental dialog. One other—profitable, energetic and interesting—shocked me by proudly displaying a video of his big-game looking journey over lunch. One other instructed we take a look at sexual chemistry over webcam earlier than assembly in actual life.

The checklist goes on.

After every date, I journaled—what felt aligned, what didn’t and what I used to be studying about myself.

Relationship apps, I noticed, are door openers, not diagnostic instruments. They present a curated slice of somebody—very like social media. The actual particular person solely emerges by way of time, dialog and shared expertise.

The apps additionally create a strong phantasm: that one thing or somebody higher is all the time one swipe away. In actuality, readability and character matter way over infinite choices.

After which got here date No. 33.

Phil.

Our first espresso date flowed simply and felt grounded and actual. Two days later we went for a hike, and the connection deepened naturally. Shortly after, I left for a pre-planned journey from California to Hawai‘i, and we stayed in contact by way of messages.

<img id="11473269" alt="" caption="Brodie and Phil, her 33rd first date." credit="Courtesy Jayne Brodie" sourcealt="" sources="[]" fetchpriority="auto" loading="lazy" width="3000" height="2000" decoding="async" data-nimg="1" src="color:transparent;aspect-ratio:inherit;object-fit:cover" sizes="(min-width: 1200px) 1536px, (min-width: 768px) 768px, 100vw" srcset="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=640&quality=80&webp=1 640w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=750&quality=80&webp=1 750w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=1000&quality=80&webp=1 1000w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=1200&quality=80&webp=1 1200w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=1360&quality=80&webp=1 1360w, https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1 1600w" bad-src="https://assets.newsweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/Jayne-First-Dates.jpg?w=1600&quality=80&webp=1"/> By means of his phrases, I noticed depth, humor, emotional intelligence and curiosity. For the primary time, I felt I might merely be myself—and I acknowledged that I had modified too. I wasn’t the identical lady I had been many years earlier.

Phil typically says, “You be you, I’ll be me, and we’ll be simply nice.” With him, there was ease as a substitute of effort.

We constructed a basis shortly—grounded in honesty, shared values, mutual respect and real admiration. Chemistry completely issues, and when held with belief and alignment, it turns into one thing uncommon and lasting.

Now, 5 months in, we’re each excited concerning the life we’re creating collectively and deeply grateful for the lengthy street that introduced us right here.

I didn’t return to relationship to search out somebody new.

I returned as a result of I had already change into somebody new—and was prepared for partnership from that place.

And that, I’ve discovered, could also be the actual reward of second-chapter love: It doesn’t simply carry the precise particular person into your life. It reveals who you might be if you lastly select with readability.