The best way to survive awkward encounters

[ad_1] Thanksgiving is the Tremendous Bowl of awkwardness.

You like these folks (principally), however the scripts are fuzzy. Will we hug? Will we discuss politics? What do I say when somebody hits me with the third “so, how’s work?” in an hour?

We are inclined to deal with that discomfort as a “me” downside, like we’re dangerous at socializing or damaged indirectly.

Alexandra Plakias thinks that’s the improper story. She’s a thinker at Hamilton Faculty and the creator of Awkwardness: A Theory , and she or he argues that there aren't any awkward folks, solely awkward conditions. Awkwardness, for her, is what occurs when the unwritten scripts that information our social life break down and we're all of a sudden improvising with out a map.

I invited Plakias onto The Gray Area to speak about why awkwardness deserves philosophical consideration and what it would appear to be to vary our relationship to these cringey moments. The dialog was taped in 2024, but it surely appeared related as all of us put together to plunge into these pleasant vacation conversations with family and friends.

As at all times, there’s rather more within the full podcast, which drops each Monday, so hear and observe us on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Pandora , or wherever you discover podcasts.

This interview has been edited for size and readability.

How do you outline awkwardness?

Let me begin with what I believe it isn’t. Awkwardness is just not a character trait. I don’t assume there are “awkward folks” in some deep manner. Once I was writing the e book, folks continuously mentioned, “I'm so awkward,” or “I can't wait to learn this; I'm a really awkward individual.” It’s a label folks attain for in a short time.

For my part, awkwardness is a property of conditions, not people. It occurs after we don’t have the social sources we have to navigate an interplay. We don’t know which norms apply, which position we're taking part in, which position the opposite individual is taking part in, or what sort of script we're in.

In that sense, awkwardness isn’t a “you” downside. It’s an “us” downside.

However some folks clearly really feel awkward extra typically than others. How do you clarify that?

Folks positively differ of their expertise. A part of that is how we use language. If I say, “Sean is awkward at events,” I'd imply Sean feels awkward, or I'd imply Sean makes me really feel awkward. These are two very completely different claims that usually get blurred collectively.

Some folks actually battle to learn social cues. Others give cues that don't match what most individuals count on. Their eye contact is completely different. Their timing in dialog is barely off. That may make the interplay really feel jagged. However, that doesn’t imply we should always scale back the entire thing to a character label. Usually, what’s actually happening is that our scripts are misaligned. Blaming one individual as “awkward” can obscure that.

After which, there are individuals who really feel awkward on a regular basis, as a result of they’re hyper self-conscious. They’re operating a bit commentary of their heads, evaluating each transfer. That creates extra awkwardness than the state of affairs really requires.

Is awkwardness about being afraid of different folks? Or is it one thing else?

I see awkwardness as intently linked to uncertainty. You don’t know what sort of state of affairs you're in or how different individuals are studying you.

There’s a connection to social anxiousness. Some folks use “I'm awkward” nearly as a disclaimer. It lowers expectations. It’s a manner of claiming, “Please don't decide me too harshly on this area.”

However, awkwardness itself is just not at all times about worry. Typically the individual everybody else experiences as awkward is completely superb. They’re not struggling. It’s the remainder of us who really feel off stability.

The place worry actually is available in is in our worry of making awkwardness. We're very motivated to keep away from that. There are many circumstances the place we all know we should always communicate up or intervene, and we don’t, as a result of we fear about making issues bizarre.

After Me Too , for instance, some males mentioned they didn’t name out harassment at work, as a result of it will have made issues awkward. That’s a extremely putting admission. The discomfort of an ungainly dialog outweighed the duty to problem severe wrongdoing.

So, awkwardness is tightly certain up with belonging. We need to be accepted. We need to keep contained in the group. The danger of being seen as the one who “made it bizarre” can really feel extremely excessive.

The place does cringe match into all of this? Are cringe and awkward the identical factor?

I consider cringe as what occurs after the actual fact. Awkwardness is within the second. You’re standing there, attempting to determine what to do subsequent.

Cringe is if you’re driving three days later and all of a sudden bear in mind what you mentioned, and your entire physique tightens. It’s a really retrospective factor. It typically attaches to awkward moments, but it surely’s not the identical phenomenon.

We affiliate the 2, as a result of we are inclined to interpret awkwardness as shameful. We predict, “That awkward second confirmed everybody who I actually am.” Then, we relive it and cringe.

For those who shift the story to “that awkward second confirmed one thing concerning the state of affairs or the script,” the cringe can soften a bit. The reminiscence remains to be uncomfortable, but it surely’s not such a deep indictment of you as an individual.

What are a few of the commonest awkward moments in on a regular basis life?

While you ask folks, they typically point out issues like clogging somebody’s bathroom if you’re a visitor of their house or sending a message to the group chat that was presupposed to be about somebody in that group chat.

There are additionally the traditional bodily misfires. One individual goes in for a hug; the opposite affords a handshake. You each half change midstream and find yourself in a wierd, fumbling half-embrace.

Goodbyes at events are an enormous one. Do you say goodbye to everybody, simply the host, nobody in any respect? For those who do say goodbye, is it a hug, a wave, a handshake, a nod from throughout the room? That uncertainty concerning the script is what produces the awkwardness.

After which, there are extra private ones. You talked about hating listening to your individual podcast when different individuals are round. Many people have some model of that. Being a “public self” in entrance of individuals you already know can really feel excruciating.

Why is small discuss so painfully awkward?

Small discuss can be a social device, not a seek for that means. It’s a manner of signaling, “We're on civil phrases. I see you. You see me. That is pleasant.”

That’s why subjects just like the climate, sports activities, or “how’s work?” are so persistent. They provide you one thing low stakes to hold that interplay on.

Small discuss turns into awkward when the nonverbal aspect doesn’t match. The opposite individual is clearly checked out, or wanting over your shoulder, or standing a wierd distance away. The subject remains to be “so, how are issues?” however the change feels off.

What will we lose after we’re too afraid of awkwardness, or after we exit of our solution to keep away from it?

We lose actual connection, and we keep away from necessary subjects. Grief is a strong instance. Many people who find themselves mourning say that pals and colleagues merely disappear — not as a result of they don’t care, however as a result of they don’t know what to say. And so they don’t need to say the improper factor, so they are saying nothing.

That’s an enormous loss. Somebody goes via one of many hardest experiences of their life, and the folks round them are paralyzed by the worry of constructing it awkward.

Any suggestions for folks trying to scale back the awkwardness of their life?

I don’t assume the aim ought to be eliminating awkwardness. Some hesitation and uncertainty is nice; it offers us time to mirror earlier than we slip into properly worn however dangerous scripts.

What we are able to do is change how we relate to it.

One factor is to observe admitting uncertainty. It’s okay to say, “I’m undecided what we normally do right here, what do you favor?” Fairly than guessing and spiraling internally, you deliver the query out into the open.

One other is to make clear your priorities. If you already know that speaking about politics at Thanksgiving might be awkward, resolve upfront what your aim is. Do you need to get up for somebody? Do you need to protect a relationship? Do you simply need to keep away from a screaming match? That readability can information the way you reply, even when the dialog will get uncomfortable.

After which, there may be easy publicity. The extra you let your self really feel a bit awkward with out treating it as a disaster, the much less energy it has over you. You begin to assume, “Okay, that was uncomfortable, however I survived. It didn't outline me.”